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General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Yesterday, 04:06 AM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 6	I am married with a young daughter. Our relationship started out with me (a virgin saving myself for non religious reasons) and my future wife who had some experience I didn't know how much. Being my first real relationship I probably asked some questions I shouldn't have and didn't want to know the answers to about her past. She did answer, but also lied some too. I figured out quick I would rather not know and asked her to stop telling me things about her sexual past, but she still did. A while into the relationship we did end up having sex. (I did delay it until I thought she might be the one) Even further into the relationship she brought up wanting to have a 3some with another girl. (I declined I thought it might cause problems) Eventually I started catching some of her lies though about her past. Once I learned of a lie I would dig at it until I found out the truth( or what I thought to be the truth) This caused me to learn more and more about her past sex life and how she had slept around a good bit. (men, and women) Now it is to the point where I feel like I'm causing problems from jealousy about her past. (Her lies still happen, but only about her past which I think I shouldn't really be bringing up anyway, but lies bug me a lot) She still brings up the 3some, but now as a way to fix the jealousy instead of something for fun. I'm very iffy on this. I now have a desire to experience stuff like that, but at the same time I feel like Im abandoning my old values. It also feels a bit like cheating. Im not sure what to do. Feel free to blast away at me if I'm the problem I would rather know it than not. Last edited by NeedAUserName; Yesterday at 04:14 AM.
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Yesterday, 04:34 AM	? #5 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Florida Posts: 3,847	Quote: I now have a desire to experience stuff like that, but at the same time I feel like Im abandoning my old values. It also feels a bit like cheating. Im not sure what to do. Feel free to blast away at me if I'm the problem I would rather know it than not. It's my opinion that your "Old values" are the center of your problem. You have serious insecurities about your sexuality you probably wouldn't have if you hadn't "saved yourself" (What are you money, a coupon?). You're intimidated by your wife's history because you have none of your own. If I had a nickel for ever guy who "saved himself" and ended up posting the problems derived from it I'd be giving Warren Buffet a run for his money. It's my opinion the only choice you have is to deal with it the best you can because it's not going away in this relationship. Don't do the threesome, it's a catastrophe waiting to happen.
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Yesterday, 06:35 AM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Florida Posts: 3,847	Quote: What should I do is the question. I don't want to be lied to. (I've tried drawing a line but even when it is crossed I don't leave). As for dealing with the jealousy I can keep it in. I'm not sure if that is a good idea though, but that is why I am here for advice. I tried searching online and the suggestions really didn't suit me (breaking up and sleeping around then getting back together) I understand and dislike lying as well but at this point her lying may just be a coping mechanism considering you don't seem to deal with her sexual past very well. If every time I answered you truthfully just to end up having you angry, moody, or jealous, I'd be lying too. Trust me when I tell you no woman finds insecurity attractive. You'll begin having problems in your relationship on other fronts as well. I don't understand why at this point the two of you are even having discussions about her sexual past. How does this come up enough to be a stressor in your relationship? My advice on the best course for you take take this relationship on? Assess who and what she is now, decide if she's a person you love, trust, and respect. Consider why you respect her most of all. Are your reasons objective or emotion filled? Be as objective as you can. If you decide she is a person you love, trust, and respect then deal with your issues and hers. If you decide she isn't that person then find the least destructive way to end the situation.
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Yesterday, 10:59 AM	? #12 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 6	Quote: I understand and dislike lying as well but at this point her lying may just be a coping mechanism considering you don't seem to deal with her sexual past very well. If every time I answered you truthfully just to end up having you angry, moody, or jealous, I'd be lying too. Trust me when I tell you no woman finds insecurity attractive. You'll begin having problems in your relationship on other fronts as well. I don't understand why at this point the two of you are even having discussions about her sexual past. How does this come up enough to be a stressor in your relationship? My advice on the best course for you take take this relationship on? Assess who and what she is now, decide if she's a person you love, trust, and respect. Consider why you respect her most of all. Are your reasons objective or emotion filled? Be as objective as you can. If you decide she is a person you love, trust, and respect then deal with your issues and hers. If you decide she isn't that person then find the least destructive way to end the situation. That is the thing about the lies. For a long while I didn't even know she was lying, and I wasn't getting upset because after she would tell me something It would bug me for a bit then go away. Later on when I realized they were lies and I couldn't stop thinking about them or digging at them. (in the process learning a lot of details I would rather not know). The lying has slowed down, but not stopped. (I'm assuming this is from a lack of material to lie about though and not from a change) I feel like once I know the truth on things I may be able to move on, but that seems to be a lot harder said than done. I do worry about her past cheating and homewrecking some also, but I always tell myself those were different relationships. I have not trusted her in a long long time, but I do love and respect her. I really want to fix things, but I seem incapable of doing it on my own. Last edited by NeedAUserName; Yesterday at 11:13 AM.
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Yesterday, 12:35 PM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 7,747	Quote: I am married with a young daughter. Our relationship started out with me (a virgin saving myself for non religious reasons) and my future wife who had some experience I didn't know how much. Being my first real relationship I probably asked some questions I shouldn't have and didn't want to know the answers to about her past. She did answer, but also lied some too. I figured out quick I would rather not know and asked her to stop telling me things about her sexual past, but she still did. A while into the relationship we did end up having sex. (I did delay it until I thought she might be the one) Even further into the relationship she brought up wanting to have a 3some with another girl. (I declined I thought it might cause problems) Eventually I started catching some of her lies though about her past. Once I learned of a lie I would dig at it until I found out the truth( or what I thought to be the truth) This caused me to learn more and more about her past sex life and how she had slept around a good bit. (men, and women) Now it is to the point where I feel like I'm causing problems from jealousy about her past. (Her lies still happen, but only about her past which I think I shouldn't really be bringing up anyway, but lies bug me a lot) She still brings up the 3some, but now as a way to fix the jealousy instead of something for fun. I'm very iffy on this. I now have a desire to experience stuff like that, but at the same time I feel like Im abandoning my old values. It also feels a bit like cheating. Im not sure what to do. Feel free to blast away at me if I'm the problem I would rather know it than not. I have no idea why you married a woman who lied. Or why you married a woman you were not compatible with. Having a threesome is only going to drive home you are not compatible IMO. __________________ "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" -- Confucius
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